Scars

Some wounds heal, leave scars- but sometimes we don't really see the pain that someone feels. They could go their whole life and still be unhappy, isn't that why people kill themselves; happy family members? A parent? A friend? I guess it's their only way of ending the suffering that they feel- the only way they could end the pain and grieve they feel each day, an emptiness that will never go away and even though they have a family... they chose to leave and never return. They chose to let someone down, leave someone all alone in a world, and they chose to just give up. I don't really understand the pain someone must have to lose a parent, both parents infact I mean really? What would you do if someone told you that their father killed himself and his mother left? His heart is tainted, and his life is full of questions he will never have answered, he will never have his father at his basketball games, watch him grow up and go to college and eventually he will start a family of his own. This boy, this beautiful soul goes about the world as the most happiest person I have ever met. Behind the laugh and his smile, you can still see something there and still he goes on.

A piece of the past

Hadley- I miss him so much, he was the kind of person I really felt comfortable around I didn't care about anything when I was with him. Hadley could change my whole day just by talking to him he was so happy and full of energy. Hadley was a boy who loved to draw, skateboard, and just live life. Like most people Hadley had a past, he used to use drugs I know he was sent to rehab but I never asked about it, maybe because I didn't want to know it deserves to be left unsaid. He remembers everything about me; my middle name, my favorite color, where I'm from, where I go to school... and the list goes on. There's this fire inside of him almost like a dangerous trouble maker side and that's why I like him. The attraction has always been there though. Whenever I see him he always says hi and whispers in my ear. He always touches me in a way to let me know he is always there for me, even though he lives a couple blocks away, he might as well be a million miles away because he has his own life. He doesn't look back he just keeps moving making small mistakes along the way. I honestly don't think I could ever meet anyone else like Hadley.

A new beggining

I realized something today- the world is much brighter when you walk outside, I've been so trapped in my own world I never even realized how beautiful the world really is when you walk outside, I love this feeling of finally letting myself live my own life with no rules to anyone or my parents and knowing what the right thing is. I can't believe I wasted so much time remembering the past I finally feel like moving on and pretend it didn't happen. Even though some part of me will never let go I will still learn from the mistakes that came from the past. I know I sound like one of those books where the end is happy and the screwed up teenager finally finds light at the end of the tunnel and their life finally turns around blah... blah... BLAH. I miss my old friends, I miss the person I used to be the person who wasn't afraid of taking risks, I'm just not the person I was anymore and that makes me sad.

Forgeting is forgiving

For the longest time I felt depressed and I wasn't sure this feeling was ever going to go away, I had nothing to look forward to; I go to school come home and that's it nothing interesting at all. When I was still friends with Tagan I always had something to do... We did everything together like going to parties, movies, mall, and we hung out all the time. I spent most of my time with her even more than my own family, but that's when the trouble started. Instead of just telling you the whole story of what I did, I should just give you the list:

Pierced my belly button
smoked
snuck out
lied to my parents
shoplifted
ditched school
got a tattoo

Nothing left to say...

I saw her as she walked through the door her long legs walking with her one inch heels for a moment she glanced at me with no expression, no attitude, no way of letting me no that she was silently hurting inside... burning with an anger towards me; blaming me for everything wrong in her life. I smile anyway showing maybe there is a little hope in all of us, maybe I should just forgive her for letting me down over and over. Learning to forgive her seems impossible because I still haven't forgiven myself for what I did.

The phone silently rings I feel my intense heart beating and my sweaty hands clenching onto the phone. "Hello?" It's her, I recognize her voice. What do I say now? What can I say? I say nothing just wait for the silence to give her the answer that no one is on the phone "Who is this? Hello?" I hang up. She's still alive atleast, why did I worry in the first place? Why didn't I just realize all she wants is attention. All she wants is for people to feel bad for her, and feel her pain. It's ridiculous for me to wonder what's she's doing wonder if she is ever going to wake up one day and realize she has no REAL friends... I was her only true friend and now I hate her guts.

Today I burned the letters, the notes and the messages of all the things she gave me, all 223 of them. I have no memory of what we did, no reminder of her presence and I have been sitting on the floor of my room looking at the ceiling for two hours... Trying to burn the memory of her existence in my life but no such luck. For a moment I felt all alone and sad at the things I remembered about Tagan. My past life scurried along in my head twisting around with memories of myself where I found happiness in the world and nothing was wrong. I didn't worry about parents, friends or school work, I didn't care about anything until this happened now i'm in my room smoking a hookah and I care about all the people I hurt and i'm buried in the lies that she told me. Sometimes I feel like she wasn't a real person. It hurts to think about what once was.

She is such a BITCH. I've killed her a million times in my head, why do I care so much? Why can't i forget about what's happened? Instead i'm just whining about my lame life and i can't take it anymore. I can't take what's she's done to me, the things she has taken from me and she continues to try and ruin my life. She doesn't deserve my negative thoughts or my reasons to why she is a bad person. I just don't have the time or the energy to deal with her bull shit. Someday it will all add up and she know that she is no better than the lies she tells because in the end she only hurts and damages one person, herself.

I know, my first post is so dramatic. I was venting to my computer through writing, my mother thinks its a good idea to write about my life or to just channel my anger into a blog. My mother is crazy and I really hope that I don't turn into her later in life. I am nothing like my mother and I want to keep it that way. There is one more week of school left, one more week of hell- maybe now I can find a job and get away from my house. Bleh.

Pink Shrooms!

I'm making a determined goal for myself, never ever trust a skanky whore... especially if her name is Tagan. Seriously I wasted my whole sophomore year on a bitch that took my life and ripped it up to pieces, she doesn't care, she doesn't care that she has taken something from me and she still has a sly smile on her face. Really? No one cares if your going to prom and you have the perfect dress, and your dad finally came around so your family has never been so perfect. you finally have your life going for you even though your life is basically a lie, made up with all the bull shit that came out of your mouth, full of all the lies you told me. Someday everyone will know that what you are; a well defeated, self-indulgent, deceived skank bitch. The only person you damage is yourself. So I hope you enjoy your wonderful life while it lasts. Don't worry about me! I went to hell like your, self worth and your friendship, also I flushed that stupid pink mushroom friendship necklace down the toilet.