Where am I now?

I haven't wrote on this in such a long time. I was just so busy that I forgot this blog even existed. So me and Tagan are exactly where we were. Best friends, I wont forget about all the things we did and all the things we went through to get where we are now. My mother has been trying so hard to convince me that being friends with her isn't the best thing for me. The honest truth is nothing is going to be the "Best" for me. I know what I'm doing and I'm not just going to let this person, my best friend in the whole universe just to walk out of my life. I let all these people around me with all their opinions and crazy emotions get inside my head. It hurts me sometimes how much PEOPLE can put you down, I even started to think that God who created man was a mistake. All we do is destroy everything in sight. Everything around us is slowly dying and we don't even care. What is wrong with this planet? I'm only here to destroy. Created by "The great destroyer." -(Nine inch nails.)

I can't wait to turn 18, I have less than a year now. I'm not sure what to do. What I'm going to do with this "future" of mine if there is one for me. Once again I found my life a mess. I find everything I have ever done a freaking mess. I don't even care about anything I hope one day something will come to me and BOOM just like that my life is already set. Anyways until tomorrow I will tell you more about this LIFE of mine.

Decisions...

Okay so this is how it goes... I'm going back to my old school but... This time I can't mess up. No repeats of last year, So a weird thing is Tagan and I are actually getting along which is really weird so now we are going back to school together. Hope this works but she has changed. It's something I needed to feel; secure. I came from the outside of this world and found my way in but in the end I was lost in things I didn't understand. It's really too late to go back and fix what I did but at least I can still finish what I started in a better way. I lost friends and I gained them back it only took a little bit of the effort I had left. For today this is my new start on a better life, after everything we can still look back and laugh at all the stupid things that were committed. I can still breathe and come back to reality to what life really is. I'm sorry for so many things, for hurting the only person who cares so much about me, the one who brought me into this life to experience these things, the one who taught me everything and yes I'm talking about my mother. Well apologies are not my thing so here goes nothing.

Wasted time

I'm sick of wasting time on you. I hate that every thought of you makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time. I don't need anything or anyone right now, I'm really trying to forget you but I have known you for so long... The truth is this should have happened a long time ago, it's so pointless now. Really though, I loved you. BLEH. I really don't think I could live without you I'm so confused about what to do with myself, what school I want to go to I'm deciding my whole life without you and it sucks. I never wanted things to change; like the way I feel about you all the times all the memories. You told me to "never forget" and trust me I wont. So when I see you it will seem like I have moved on but I haven't and probably never will.. well what can you do?

"Never Forget"

I gave in and grabbed the phone. Despite everything that has happened, I just gave in and called him. He answered the phone; it was one of those things where you call just to hang up, but then he said "Jazzy?" the name only someone who really knows me calls me by this. His voice sounded husky, familiar and so I just started crying on the phone. "Whats wrong? what happened?" He asked sincerely almost the way it was when he really cared. I hung up whats wrong with me? I just called him and cried like some psycho person. I don't think he understands how much I need him right now and I ruined it. The phone rang I picked it up "Listen I know you don't feel like talking but you need to tell me something." He demanded I tried to make my voice strong to talk back so I replied "Like what?" My voice trembled "Meet me somewhere, maybe then we can talk?" He asked calmly "Where..." I managed to ask " The Park." He hung up.

Slowly fading

Sometimes I feel like i'm hanging by a single thread and I just wish the world would stop. If I didn't know that he liked me as much as I liked him I'm pretty sure I couldn't go on. I will never know what it would be like to fall in love with him as summer goes on. I can only imagine what it could have been like right now, I want to be held again I want to smell the smell of his breath, the way he put his arm around me holding me, just listening to the sound of his breathing to feel his hard beating pulse when ever we were together and I knew he was happy. Every thought of him kills me, I can't even function sometimes and I give random outbursts of exasperation to everyone. I don't understand these emotions I hate him and I love him all in the same day, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I just lay around all day waiting for something to happen. I just don't know what to do I'm the biggest mess to ever live. I hope he thinks about me? The days are getting longer something has to be done... anything.

Back to the start...

I felt like shit this morning, I had to force myself up from my bed and when I looked at the clock it said 3:12 I was horrified because I wasn't staying up late at all. I'm tired all the time and I have no energy to do a damn thing. So there is a big reason behind this and it's because he is not there. I hate this feeling of being let down over and over. I'm blaming my mother because she wont let him back into the house so now I'm stranded with no one to rescue me I feel like I'm dying and suffocating in my own house. I mean it could have been a different story if I didn't kiss him but I did. Now the thought of him never leaves my mind and now that he is not here I feel like I'm a drug addict sent to rehab for the first three days. Although I wouldn't know what that really feels like I can only imagine if you couldn't have that drug that you lust for everyday. I cried yesterday- not even kidding I came home cursed around, threw myself to the ground and sat there and cried like a insecure little girl. Every thought that rushed into my head gave me a panic attack the thought of never seeing him almost killed me it pained me to think about that and I screamed until my mom came rushing in. I told her to go to hell and that she was ruining my life. I HATED her for what she did. Not as much as I hated myself for letting me lose my self control. Not as much as I hated Casey the most wonderful drug in the world to leave me here, to let me suffer his consequences... I didn't even know he drank, I didn't even know he lied to me.

From someone else.

Last night we watched a movie and I fell asleep in his arms, there something about him that makes me feel very safe and everyday I'm falling for him. Yesterday Tagan admitted to him that she still likes him. He rejected her and told her that he liked me. It feels good to have something that she can't take away, but she will try... She will try to ruin my life but she never will. Theres something I figured out that she will never realize; Its that life goes on she needs to move on. I'm happy and she's not. Everything she has done to me will all be paid for later in her life. I don't know what will happen tomorrow but I'm happy thats all that matters. I can't be stuck because Casey keeps me going and in this insane chaotic world called high school... I can walk down the hallways of hell and be proud that I never gave up. It's summer now so I will live it up! So here it goes... day number 1.