Friday, June 25, 2010

From someone else.

Last night we watched a movie and I fell asleep in his arms, there something about him that makes me feel very safe and everyday I'm falling for him. Yesterday Tagan admitted to him that she still likes him. He rejected her and told her that he liked me. It feels good to have something that she can't take away, but she will try... She will try to ruin my life but she never will. Theres something I figured out that she will never realize; Its that life goes on she needs to move on. I'm happy and she's not. Everything she has done to me will all be paid for later in her life. I don't know what will happen tomorrow but I'm happy thats all that matters. I can't be stuck because Casey keeps me going and in this insane chaotic world called high school... I can walk down the hallways of hell and be proud that I never gave up. It's summer now so I will live it up! So here it goes... day number 1.

Monday, June 14, 2010

One door closes and another opens.

She came in through the door, not looking at me I wasn't even aware of her until she said "Hey guys sorry I'm late." I saw her sit down next to me, ignoring my presence, ignoring I was even there. Why is she still so full of hate? I said hi and asked her how she was doing. Just these simple words probably changed everything because now she is talking to me again. I don't know how many times I called her a bitch, and put her down to her very core... but I like this right now, I like how we are in the stage of actually tolerating each other and it makes knowing her again worth while. What she doesn't know is... well LOTS of things happened this weekend. Hadley has stopped talking to me completely I don't understand why he has to be difficult, I mean we can still be friends right? Or is that not possible in the male world. Well today I'm completely over it.

Casey: Is a boy I have known for a really long time, and I have always like him a little. Not enough to tell him how I really feel about him. He is my brothers best friend, so telling him that I liked him would just be weird because basically he lives at my house, he is always spending more time at my house than his own. I don't mind it watching and listening to him was always what I did, I mean if I can't date him I could still flirt with him right? Well last summer he asked me if I liked him... and well I just couldn't tell him the truth. I regretted keeping this a secret but I knew he liked me too, I think I got scared, because at this same time my best friend Tagan was absolutely in love with him and that meant I had to pretend that I didn't like him at all. The attraction between us faded as time went by, but I always thought of what it could have been like if he didn't meet Tagan at all.

Well now that I'm not friends with her or don't ever speak to her until yesterday... well Casey and I have been spending more time with each other. Finally he told me he likes me as of yesterday and I can't even imagine what's going to happen now... all I know is being with him has never made me more happy.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Still breathing

The beating of my feet hit hard against the pavement, but the wrath of my fury grew stronger with each step, and it kept me going. I try not to think, but thinking comes with breathing so even I can't escape painful memories. I don't know why, but it makes me sad to know how happy I once was. I had everything; I just didn't realize how lucky I was and it just seems unreal, like all those happy memories belong to someone else. I try to distance myself from the problems I create, realizing that it was all my fault, and for that I have no one to blame but me. Even though I would like to put the guilt on someone else's shoulders, in the end i'm just tormenting myself. Let me tell you it isn't easy, it's not the part of life worth living for but i'm still here, I have thought about this long and hard. Forcing myself to keep running the path I've been down over and over and it is not what I want. The energy in me is empty, my heart is empty, but it's still beating and the road ahead keeps going, it's almost never ending. I can't go back anymore I just can't. Running a trail a million times and I've never seen what was around me, the birds that fly through the trees, the sound of the river rushing through my head; It is absolutely beautiful the amazing things you miss if you just run right past it, enjoy the little things that life offers you. Last night I had a moment of reality remembering not only am I someone who doesn't move on but I remember things forever. I need to let go, even if it is hard I need to move on and learn to live.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Worst day ever!

So yesterday was supposed to be the day I get my braces off, but it didn't happen since my bite is not perfect yet, so two more weeks of wearing these stupid rubber bands! I just want them off already, I mean I've had them for four years... I just want them off so bad now. If I can wait four years I can wait two more weeks it just kind of sucks I thought I was going to have a perfect smile by now. Hadley asked me to go swimming yesterday and I told him I was grounded. I'm trying to give him the silent treatment, it's not really working out but in two weeks maybe I will hang out with him when I know longer have this metal fence on my teeth. I also have to get ready for cross country man why is summer going by so fast I need to slow down.

Monday, June 7, 2010


The chances of finally starting over have given me a better mind set, I can now focus on regular things like always. Maybe I will get back to photography, all I need to do is get my camera lens fixed but that costs money which means I need a job... I'm sixteen so getting a job will probably be a little hard since I also have to take some summer school so I can get the hell out of high school and graduate early. I don't know why I'm in such a hurry to grow up I should be enjoying these years but it just doesn't matter to me since being a teenager isn't exactly.... well I don't have words to even explain what its like to be a teenager. I'm done with all this shit though, thats all I know I just don't have the time or the energy. I thought that Hadley was really coming around but he called me last night and told me we should just be friends he doesn't want our friendship to get ruined, anyways he hasn't really talked to me since then. Boys are stupid- especially the ones who show up at your house, in the middle of the night, wasted. I will never fully understand them, either you want to be with me or you don't their is no such thing as a friend with benefits... and here is another rule, don't ever trust a boy that says they love you, they will just say something and change their mind later. Life is a Bitch.

Friday, June 4, 2010

No promises...

Yeah I know I said I would continue this story on wednesday but who really reads this anyways? My life has been really hectic the past three days and I can't tell you how much has happened. For one I'm getting my braces off in five days, two my mother wants to punish me for all my wrong doings in life; by this I mean she wants me to see a therapist, and finally The best thing in the world I could ever imagine happened to me which I don't care about a damn thing because right now I'm feeling good. So to continue the story...

I opened the garage door because that's the only door that doesn't make a noise when you open it, I could just sneak out my window but my room is on the top floor and also I'm terrified of heights. Getting out was easy getting past the neighbors dog was the hard part because that stupid mut barks all fucking night sometimes. I climbed the fence without a sound luckily the dog wasn't around so I didn't have to worry about that, I was suddenly really nervous and my heart felt like it was going to fall out of my ass- Haha. So I saw him just leaning against the tree, I walked closer and called out his name "Hadley?" There he was almost just as I remembered him but somehow different. He grabbed me and pulled me into his arms and against his chest he always smelled good, it wasn't like a cologne smell, but a naturally sweet scent even his breath smelled fresh... but this time it was different the way his breath smelled it took me a minute to recognize the smell and as soon as I did I pulled away. I looked at him almost like I was asking him a silent question just by staring at him. "What? Are you not happy to see me?" he chuckled, he sounds different the tone in his voice was higher than it usually is. "Are you drunk Hadley?" He looked at me than smiled "Does it matter?" He laughed. I hated that laugh it didn't sound like his real laugh. "You shouldn't be here, go home." I said a bit sourly. "Wow your mean, I'm sorry I haven't really talked to's just I have been really busy." He said slowly, in his apologetic voice which I never fall for. "Busy doing what? Drinking." I asked. "Listen just come with me?" he said "Go where? I'm not going anywhere with you." I replied, the harsh tone in my voice seemed difficult to restrain in the quiet night, but I couldn't risk waking up my parents. "Please I just, I don't know what else to do... I'm a mess!" He shouted. I covered His mouth with my hand "Shhh... Your going to wake up my parents, then we're both screwed." I whispered loudly. "Just come with me, I will never ask you for anything again... Please?" He grabbed tightly around my waist "Fine." I said half heartedly. And deep into the night we went.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My Hangover

Alright, alright I have been cheating myself out- I was in denial for a long time and now I think I found the cure; LOVE. No I don't mean loving the world, my life or my family I mean real sensual, passionate, intense and affectionate love for someone. I woke up different, I woke up and it felt like my life changed and the first thing I thought of was him. Hadley the name just rolls of the tip of you tongue and tastes sweet, and the birds sang this morning for once I didn't want to chock the living day lights out of the birds that wake me up each morning I just wanted sing. Falling in love is a beautiful thing I mean if everyone just fell in love it would end everything; war, violence, poverty. Love could change the world! Everything is finally in place now. Last night was just a dream okay your probably sick of hearing me talk about love so let me fill you in with what happened.

The late text buzzes and vibrates my pocket of my jeans laying on the floor, it's him. I jump up and reply back it's been a while since he has texted me and I thought he erased my number. 'Hey' a few moments later another text comes I open the message and it says 'sneak out with me?' WHAT. Is this really happening? 'Ha. Are you serious?' I reply, for a while there was no answer and I hate waiting for texts. Finally the text arrives and he says 'Come outside' Now I was freaking out I looked out my window and he was leaning against my tree with his arms folded across his chest, my heart skipped a beat what do I do now? I sat for a second to argue with myself. How much trouble could I get in? What does he want? Why is he here? I could not sneak for the life of me I mean everything I have done I've always been caught. There was this voice inside of me tempting me and telling me how I was only young once was I really going to stay here living by rules and only doing what your told. So I grabbed my jacket, shoes and a squirt of perfume and out the door I went... To be continued tomorrow.