Where am I now?

I haven't wrote on this in such a long time. I was just so busy that I forgot this blog even existed. So me and Tagan are exactly where we were. Best friends, I wont forget about all the things we did and all the things we went through to get where we are now. My mother has been trying so hard to convince me that being friends with her isn't the best thing for me. The honest truth is nothing is going to be the "Best" for me. I know what I'm doing and I'm not just going to let this person, my best friend in the whole universe just to walk out of my life. I let all these people around me with all their opinions and crazy emotions get inside my head. It hurts me sometimes how much PEOPLE can put you down, I even started to think that God who created man was a mistake. All we do is destroy everything in sight. Everything around us is slowly dying and we don't even care. What is wrong with this planet? I'm only here to destroy. Created by "The great destroyer." -(Nine inch nails.)

I can't wait to turn 18, I have less than a year now. I'm not sure what to do. What I'm going to do with this "future" of mine if there is one for me. Once again I found my life a mess. I find everything I have ever done a freaking mess. I don't even care about anything I hope one day something will come to me and BOOM just like that my life is already set. Anyways until tomorrow I will tell you more about this LIFE of mine.

Decisions...

Okay so this is how it goes... I'm going back to my old school but... This time I can't mess up. No repeats of last year, So a weird thing is Tagan and I are actually getting along which is really weird so now we are going back to school together. Hope this works but she has changed. It's something I needed to feel; secure. I came from the outside of this world and found my way in but in the end I was lost in things I didn't understand. It's really too late to go back and fix what I did but at least I can still finish what I started in a better way. I lost friends and I gained them back it only took a little bit of the effort I had left. For today this is my new start on a better life, after everything we can still look back and laugh at all the stupid things that were committed. I can still breathe and come back to reality to what life really is. I'm sorry for so many things, for hurting the only person who cares so much about me, the one who brought me into this life to experience these things, the one who taught me everything and yes I'm talking about my mother. Well apologies are not my thing so here goes nothing.

Wasted time

I'm sick of wasting time on you. I hate that every thought of you makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time. I don't need anything or anyone right now, I'm really trying to forget you but I have known you for so long... The truth is this should have happened a long time ago, it's so pointless now. Really though, I loved you. BLEH. I really don't think I could live without you I'm so confused about what to do with myself, what school I want to go to I'm deciding my whole life without you and it sucks. I never wanted things to change; like the way I feel about you all the times all the memories. You told me to "never forget" and trust me I wont. So when I see you it will seem like I have moved on but I haven't and probably never will.. well what can you do?

"Never Forget"

I gave in and grabbed the phone. Despite everything that has happened, I just gave in and called him. He answered the phone; it was one of those things where you call just to hang up, but then he said "Jazzy?" the name only someone who really knows me calls me by this. His voice sounded husky, familiar and so I just started crying on the phone. "Whats wrong? what happened?" He asked sincerely almost the way it was when he really cared. I hung up whats wrong with me? I just called him and cried like some psycho person. I don't think he understands how much I need him right now and I ruined it. The phone rang I picked it up "Listen I know you don't feel like talking but you need to tell me something." He demanded I tried to make my voice strong to talk back so I replied "Like what?" My voice trembled "Meet me somewhere, maybe then we can talk?" He asked calmly "Where..." I managed to ask " The Park." He hung up.

Slowly fading

Sometimes I feel like i'm hanging by a single thread and I just wish the world would stop. If I didn't know that he liked me as much as I liked him I'm pretty sure I couldn't go on. I will never know what it would be like to fall in love with him as summer goes on. I can only imagine what it could have been like right now, I want to be held again I want to smell the smell of his breath, the way he put his arm around me holding me, just listening to the sound of his breathing to feel his hard beating pulse when ever we were together and I knew he was happy. Every thought of him kills me, I can't even function sometimes and I give random outbursts of exasperation to everyone. I don't understand these emotions I hate him and I love him all in the same day, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I just lay around all day waiting for something to happen. I just don't know what to do I'm the biggest mess to ever live. I hope he thinks about me? The days are getting longer something has to be done... anything.

Back to the start...

I felt like shit this morning, I had to force myself up from my bed and when I looked at the clock it said 3:12 I was horrified because I wasn't staying up late at all. I'm tired all the time and I have no energy to do a damn thing. So there is a big reason behind this and it's because he is not there. I hate this feeling of being let down over and over. I'm blaming my mother because she wont let him back into the house so now I'm stranded with no one to rescue me I feel like I'm dying and suffocating in my own house. I mean it could have been a different story if I didn't kiss him but I did. Now the thought of him never leaves my mind and now that he is not here I feel like I'm a drug addict sent to rehab for the first three days. Although I wouldn't know what that really feels like I can only imagine if you couldn't have that drug that you lust for everyday. I cried yesterday- not even kidding I came home cursed around, threw myself to the ground and sat there and cried like a insecure little girl. Every thought that rushed into my head gave me a panic attack the thought of never seeing him almost killed me it pained me to think about that and I screamed until my mom came rushing in. I told her to go to hell and that she was ruining my life. I HATED her for what she did. Not as much as I hated myself for letting me lose my self control. Not as much as I hated Casey the most wonderful drug in the world to leave me here, to let me suffer his consequences... I didn't even know he drank, I didn't even know he lied to me.

From someone else.

Last night we watched a movie and I fell asleep in his arms, there something about him that makes me feel very safe and everyday I'm falling for him. Yesterday Tagan admitted to him that she still likes him. He rejected her and told her that he liked me. It feels good to have something that she can't take away, but she will try... She will try to ruin my life but she never will. Theres something I figured out that she will never realize; Its that life goes on she needs to move on. I'm happy and she's not. Everything she has done to me will all be paid for later in her life. I don't know what will happen tomorrow but I'm happy thats all that matters. I can't be stuck because Casey keeps me going and in this insane chaotic world called high school... I can walk down the hallways of hell and be proud that I never gave up. It's summer now so I will live it up! So here it goes... day number 1.

One door closes and another opens.

She came in through the door, not looking at me I wasn't even aware of her until she said "Hey guys sorry I'm late." I saw her sit down next to me, ignoring my presence, ignoring I was even there. Why is she still so full of hate? I said hi and asked her how she was doing. Just these simple words probably changed everything because now she is talking to me again. I don't know how many times I called her a bitch, and put her down to her very core... but I like this right now, I like how we are in the stage of actually tolerating each other and it makes knowing her again worth while. What she doesn't know is... well LOTS of things happened this weekend. Hadley has stopped talking to me completely I don't understand why he has to be difficult, I mean we can still be friends right? Or is that not possible in the male world. Well today I'm completely over it.

Casey: Is a boy I have known for a really long time, and I have always like him a little. Not enough to tell him how I really feel about him. He is my brothers best friend, so telling him that I liked him would just be weird because basically he lives at my house, he is always spending more time at my house than his own. I don't mind it watching and listening to him was always what I did, I mean if I can't date him I could still flirt with him right? Well last summer he asked me if I liked him... and well I just couldn't tell him the truth. I regretted keeping this a secret but I knew he liked me too, I think I got scared, because at this same time my best friend Tagan was absolutely in love with him and that meant I had to pretend that I didn't like him at all. The attraction between us faded as time went by, but I always thought of what it could have been like if he didn't meet Tagan at all.

Well now that I'm not friends with her or don't ever speak to her until yesterday... well Casey and I have been spending more time with each other. Finally he told me he likes me as of yesterday and I can't even imagine what's going to happen now... all I know is being with him has never made me more happy.

Still breathing

The beating of my feet hit hard against the pavement, but the wrath of my fury grew stronger with each step, and it kept me going. I try not to think, but thinking comes with breathing so even I can't escape painful memories. I don't know why, but it makes me sad to know how happy I once was. I had everything; I just didn't realize how lucky I was and it just seems unreal, like all those happy memories belong to someone else. I try to distance myself from the problems I create, realizing that it was all my fault, and for that I have no one to blame but me. Even though I would like to put the guilt on someone else's shoulders, in the end i'm just tormenting myself. Let me tell you it isn't easy, it's not the part of life worth living for but i'm still here, I have thought about this long and hard. Forcing myself to keep running the path I've been down over and over and it is not what I want. The energy in me is empty, my heart is empty, but it's still beating and the road ahead keeps going, it's almost never ending. I can't go back anymore I just can't. Running a trail a million times and I've never seen what was around me, the birds that fly through the trees, the sound of the river rushing through my head; It is absolutely beautiful the amazing things you miss if you just run right past it, enjoy the little things that life offers you. Last night I had a moment of reality remembering not only am I someone who doesn't move on but I remember things forever. I need to let go, even if it is hard I need to move on and learn to live.

Worst day ever!

So yesterday was supposed to be the day I get my braces off, but it didn't happen since my bite is not perfect yet, so two more weeks of wearing these stupid rubber bands! I just want them off already, I mean I've had them for four years... I just want them off so bad now. If I can wait four years I can wait two more weeks it just kind of sucks I thought I was going to have a perfect smile by now. Hadley asked me to go swimming yesterday and I told him I was grounded. I'm trying to give him the silent treatment, it's not really working out but in two weeks maybe I will hang out with him when I know longer have this metal fence on my teeth. I also have to get ready for cross country man why is summer going by so fast I need to slow down.

Summer...

The chances of finally starting over have given me a better mind set, I can now focus on regular things like always. Maybe I will get back to photography, all I need to do is get my camera lens fixed but that costs money which means I need a job... I'm sixteen so getting a job will probably be a little hard since I also have to take some summer school so I can get the hell out of high school and graduate early. I don't know why I'm in such a hurry to grow up I should be enjoying these years but it just doesn't matter to me since being a teenager isn't exactly.... well I don't have words to even explain what its like to be a teenager. I'm done with all this shit though, thats all I know I just don't have the time or the energy. I thought that Hadley was really coming around but he called me last night and told me we should just be friends he doesn't want our friendship to get ruined, anyways he hasn't really talked to me since then. Boys are stupid- especially the ones who show up at your house, in the middle of the night, wasted. I will never fully understand them, either you want to be with me or you don't their is no such thing as a friend with benefits... and here is another rule, don't ever trust a boy that says they love you, they will just say something and change their mind later. Life is a Bitch.

No promises...

Yeah I know I said I would continue this story on wednesday but who really reads this anyways? My life has been really hectic the past three days and I can't tell you how much has happened. For one I'm getting my braces off in five days, two my mother wants to punish me for all my wrong doings in life; by this I mean she wants me to see a therapist, and finally The best thing in the world I could ever imagine happened to me which I don't care about a damn thing because right now I'm feeling good. So to continue the story...


I opened the garage door because that's the only door that doesn't make a noise when you open it, I could just sneak out my window but my room is on the top floor and also I'm terrified of heights. Getting out was easy getting past the neighbors dog was the hard part because that stupid mut barks all fucking night sometimes. I climbed the fence without a sound luckily the dog wasn't around so I didn't have to worry about that, I was suddenly really nervous and my heart felt like it was going to fall out of my ass- Haha. So I saw him just leaning against the tree, I walked closer and called out his name "Hadley?" There he was almost just as I remembered him but somehow different. He grabbed me and pulled me into his arms and against his chest he always smelled good, it wasn't like a cologne smell, but a naturally sweet scent even his breath smelled fresh... but this time it was different the way his breath smelled it took me a minute to recognize the smell and as soon as I did I pulled away. I looked at him almost like I was asking him a silent question just by staring at him. "What? Are you not happy to see me?" he chuckled, he sounds different the tone in his voice was higher than it usually is. "Are you drunk Hadley?" He looked at me than smiled "Does it matter?" He laughed. I hated that laugh it didn't sound like his real laugh. "You shouldn't be here, go home." I said a bit sourly. "Wow your mean, I'm sorry I haven't really talked to you...it's just I have been really busy." He said slowly, in his apologetic voice which I never fall for. "Busy doing what? Drinking." I asked. "Listen just come with me?" he said "Go where? I'm not going anywhere with you." I replied, the harsh tone in my voice seemed difficult to restrain in the quiet night, but I couldn't risk waking up my parents. "Please I just, I don't know what else to do... I'm a mess!" He shouted. I covered His mouth with my hand "Shhh... Your going to wake up my parents, then we're both screwed." I whispered loudly. "Just come with me, I will never ask you for anything again... Please?" He grabbed tightly around my waist "Fine." I said half heartedly. And deep into the night we went.

My Hangover

Alright, alright I have been cheating myself out- I was in denial for a long time and now I think I found the cure; LOVE. No I don't mean loving the world, my life or my family I mean real sensual, passionate, intense and affectionate love for someone. I woke up different, I woke up and it felt like my life changed and the first thing I thought of was him. Hadley the name just rolls of the tip of you tongue and tastes sweet, and the birds sang this morning for once I didn't want to chock the living day lights out of the birds that wake me up each morning I just wanted sing. Falling in love is a beautiful thing I mean if everyone just fell in love it would end everything; war, violence, poverty. Love could change the world! Everything is finally in place now. Last night was just a dream okay your probably sick of hearing me talk about love so let me fill you in with what happened.

The late text buzzes and vibrates my pocket of my jeans laying on the floor, it's him. I jump up and reply back it's been a while since he has texted me and I thought he erased my number. 'Hey' a few moments later another text comes I open the message and it says 'sneak out with me?' WHAT. Is this really happening? 'Ha. Are you serious?' I reply, for a while there was no answer and I hate waiting for texts. Finally the text arrives and he says 'Come outside' Now I was freaking out I looked out my window and he was leaning against my tree with his arms folded across his chest, my heart skipped a beat what do I do now? I sat for a second to argue with myself. How much trouble could I get in? What does he want? Why is he here? I could not sneak for the life of me I mean everything I have done I've always been caught. There was this voice inside of me tempting me and telling me how I was only young once was I really going to stay here living by rules and only doing what your told. So I grabbed my jacket, shoes and a squirt of perfume and out the door I went... To be continued tomorrow.

Scars

Some wounds heal, leave scars- but sometimes we don't really see the pain that someone feels. They could go their whole life and still be unhappy, isn't that why people kill themselves; happy family members? A parent? A friend? I guess it's their only way of ending the suffering that they feel- the only way they could end the pain and grieve they feel each day, an emptiness that will never go away and even though they have a family... they chose to leave and never return. They chose to let someone down, leave someone all alone in a world, and they chose to just give up. I don't really understand the pain someone must have to lose a parent, both parents infact I mean really? What would you do if someone told you that their father killed himself and his mother left? His heart is tainted, and his life is full of questions he will never have answered, he will never have his father at his basketball games, watch him grow up and go to college and eventually he will start a family of his own. This boy, this beautiful soul goes about the world as the most happiest person I have ever met. Behind the laugh and his smile, you can still see something there and still he goes on.

A piece of the past

Hadley- I miss him so much, he was the kind of person I really felt comfortable around I didn't care about anything when I was with him. Hadley could change my whole day just by talking to him he was so happy and full of energy. Hadley was a boy who loved to draw, skateboard, and just live life. Like most people Hadley had a past, he used to use drugs I know he was sent to rehab but I never asked about it, maybe because I didn't want to know it deserves to be left unsaid. He remembers everything about me; my middle name, my favorite color, where I'm from, where I go to school... and the list goes on. There's this fire inside of him almost like a dangerous trouble maker side and that's why I like him. The attraction has always been there though. Whenever I see him he always says hi and whispers in my ear. He always touches me in a way to let me know he is always there for me, even though he lives a couple blocks away, he might as well be a million miles away because he has his own life. He doesn't look back he just keeps moving making small mistakes along the way. I honestly don't think I could ever meet anyone else like Hadley.

A new beggining

I realized something today- the world is much brighter when you walk outside, I've been so trapped in my own world I never even realized how beautiful the world really is when you walk outside, I love this feeling of finally letting myself live my own life with no rules to anyone or my parents and knowing what the right thing is. I can't believe I wasted so much time remembering the past I finally feel like moving on and pretend it didn't happen. Even though some part of me will never let go I will still learn from the mistakes that came from the past. I know I sound like one of those books where the end is happy and the screwed up teenager finally finds light at the end of the tunnel and their life finally turns around blah... blah... BLAH. I miss my old friends, I miss the person I used to be the person who wasn't afraid of taking risks, I'm just not the person I was anymore and that makes me sad.

Forgeting is forgiving

For the longest time I felt depressed and I wasn't sure this feeling was ever going to go away, I had nothing to look forward to; I go to school come home and that's it nothing interesting at all. When I was still friends with Tagan I always had something to do... We did everything together like going to parties, movies, mall, and we hung out all the time. I spent most of my time with her even more than my own family, but that's when the trouble started. Instead of just telling you the whole story of what I did, I should just give you the list:

Pierced my belly button
smoked
snuck out
lied to my parents
shoplifted
ditched school
got a tattoo

Nothing left to say...

I saw her as she walked through the door her long legs walking with her one inch heels for a moment she glanced at me with no expression, no attitude, no way of letting me no that she was silently hurting inside... burning with an anger towards me; blaming me for everything wrong in her life. I smile anyway showing maybe there is a little hope in all of us, maybe I should just forgive her for letting me down over and over. Learning to forgive her seems impossible because I still haven't forgiven myself for what I did.

The phone silently rings I feel my intense heart beating and my sweaty hands clenching onto the phone. "Hello?" It's her, I recognize her voice. What do I say now? What can I say? I say nothing just wait for the silence to give her the answer that no one is on the phone "Who is this? Hello?" I hang up. She's still alive atleast, why did I worry in the first place? Why didn't I just realize all she wants is attention. All she wants is for people to feel bad for her, and feel her pain. It's ridiculous for me to wonder what's she's doing wonder if she is ever going to wake up one day and realize she has no REAL friends... I was her only true friend and now I hate her guts.

Today I burned the letters, the notes and the messages of all the things she gave me, all 223 of them. I have no memory of what we did, no reminder of her presence and I have been sitting on the floor of my room looking at the ceiling for two hours... Trying to burn the memory of her existence in my life but no such luck. For a moment I felt all alone and sad at the things I remembered about Tagan. My past life scurried along in my head twisting around with memories of myself where I found happiness in the world and nothing was wrong. I didn't worry about parents, friends or school work, I didn't care about anything until this happened now i'm in my room smoking a hookah and I care about all the people I hurt and i'm buried in the lies that she told me. Sometimes I feel like she wasn't a real person. It hurts to think about what once was.

She is such a BITCH. I've killed her a million times in my head, why do I care so much? Why can't i forget about what's happened? Instead i'm just whining about my lame life and i can't take it anymore. I can't take what's she's done to me, the things she has taken from me and she continues to try and ruin my life. She doesn't deserve my negative thoughts or my reasons to why she is a bad person. I just don't have the time or the energy to deal with her bull shit. Someday it will all add up and she know that she is no better than the lies she tells because in the end she only hurts and damages one person, herself.

I know, my first post is so dramatic. I was venting to my computer through writing, my mother thinks its a good idea to write about my life or to just channel my anger into a blog. My mother is crazy and I really hope that I don't turn into her later in life. I am nothing like my mother and I want to keep it that way. There is one more week of school left, one more week of hell- maybe now I can find a job and get away from my house. Bleh.

Pink Shrooms!

I'm making a determined goal for myself, never ever trust a skanky whore... especially if her name is Tagan. Seriously I wasted my whole sophomore year on a bitch that took my life and ripped it up to pieces, she doesn't care, she doesn't care that she has taken something from me and she still has a sly smile on her face. Really? No one cares if your going to prom and you have the perfect dress, and your dad finally came around so your family has never been so perfect. you finally have your life going for you even though your life is basically a lie, made up with all the bull shit that came out of your mouth, full of all the lies you told me. Someday everyone will know that what you are; a well defeated, self-indulgent, deceived skank bitch. The only person you damage is yourself. So I hope you enjoy your wonderful life while it lasts. Don't worry about me! I went to hell like your, self worth and your friendship, also I flushed that stupid pink mushroom friendship necklace down the toilet.