Saturday, July 3, 2010

Back to the start...

I felt like shit this morning, I had to force myself up from my bed and when I looked at the clock it said 3:12 I was horrified because I wasn't staying up late at all. I'm tired all the time and I have no energy to do a damn thing. So there is a big reason behind this and it's because he is not there. I hate this feeling of being let down over and over. I'm blaming my mother because she wont let him back into the house so now I'm stranded with no one to rescue me I feel like I'm dying and suffocating in my own house. I mean it could have been a different story if I didn't kiss him but I did. Now the thought of him never leaves my mind and now that he is not here I feel like I'm a drug addict sent to rehab for the first three days. Although I wouldn't know what that really feels like I can only imagine if you couldn't have that drug that you lust for everyday. I cried yesterday- not even kidding I came home cursed around, threw myself to the ground and sat there and cried like a insecure little girl. Every thought that rushed into my head gave me a panic attack the thought of never seeing him almost killed me it pained me to think about that and I screamed until my mom came rushing in. I told her to go to hell and that she was ruining my life. I HATED her for what she did. Not as much as I hated myself for letting me lose my self control. Not as much as I hated Casey the most wonderful drug in the world to leave me here, to let me suffer his consequences... I didn't even know he drank, I didn't even know he lied to me.

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